If I could cut one week of the calendar each year, I would choose the week of October 12th – October 18th. These 7 days are the worst 7 days of the year for me. During this span of time, I lost my aunt in ’91, my father in law in ’08, my uncle in ’11, and my baby in ’10.
Of all the precious people I have lost, losing my baby was the hardest thing I have ever lived through. Our sweet precious Andrew was only here with us for 18 short weeks, but he has forever changed who I am, what kind of mother I am and how I relate to those around me.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of the day we found out that Andrew had passed. By sharing his story and the ups and downs that I have gone through, Andrew’s life has been able to make an impact on thousands of wonderful people. I can’t even tell you how many people have emailed me to tell me how my story changed them forever. How many precious mothers lost a baby after I did but made it through because they knew I had already made it through the loss of my child.
They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t agree. Time makes my wounds more bearable. I don’t find myself in the floor as much as I used to. I don’t find myself crying every time I am alone. But it still hurts, it still can take my breath away, it can still bring me to my knees.
Andrew is my son. He might not have taken a breath on this earth, but he was a part of the love my husband and I share. I love him just as much as I love my 2 living children. And I grieve for him just as much and just as hard as I would have grieved if Emily hadn’t survived her near death experience that happened just a month before we lost Andrew.
Rainbows are my sign from Andrew that he is still with me. Every time I have been broken, God has sent me a rainbow. The first rainbow was sent to us on the first day of our trip to Disney World in January 2011 which we took to celebrate Andrew’s impact on our lives. I put a circle around the area of the clouds. Do you see what I see? When one of my amazing readers pointed out the baby in the clouds, I fell to my knees in Hollywood Studios. A definite sign from my Heavenly Father where my baby is and that he is okay.
The thing that I have found since experiencing this loss is how many mothers share the same story. How many wonderful families have loved and lost their precious babies. My heart goes out to everyone who knows this pain. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Today also happens to be National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. Our hope is that everyone will light at candle at 7 pm in their time zones to create a wave of light around the globe to remember those precious babies that never walked on this earth but left their footprints on our hearts. Will you join me in lighting a candle? Please feel free to leave a comment letting us know who you are lighting your candle for.
I have been a long time follower of yours and remember this all to well. I can’t imagine the pain you feel. A first time mom to a 5 month old boy I can’t imagine losing him. I cried reading this today. You are a strong person who has changed many lives from your passion of helping others. Just as you have helped me in many ways today I will burn a candle for you and your family. God bless Andrew, you and your entire family!! xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo
Dear Kristin, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. ((Big hugs)) to all of you. Please take care.
Dearest Kristin and All of your Family;
Andrew will Always be with you and your Family. He is your Beautiful Angel, He will not ever be forgotten.
You will be with him again one day. Please try and take some small comfort in that.
I wish that I could do something for you, because you give so freely, and do so much to make so many others so very Happy.
Kristin; Your Blog makes such a HUGE Difference in so many peoples lives!!!! (Mine included)
Just make it through this week, and Please know how much that you are truly Needed, Apperciated, and Loved.
Thank-God for YOU!!!!!
I lost my oldest granddaughter 4 years ago. She was only 6 years old. She had a lot of disabilities and was a special needs child. So sorry for your loss also.
Reading so many stories of loss has brought tears to my eyes. God gives mothers the most incredible gift of unconditional love for our children. That love has unbelievable power and strength attached to it. It gives you the strength and courage to endure the hard times you have been through, that at times, I am sure you thought you would not make it through. I think remembering and loving these precious little ones that forever left footprints on your heart is all a part of the healing process. It helps to know that they are forever loved and never forgotten.
I, too, have 3 Little Baby Angels! I love them and miss them every day. My thoughts are with you and your family! They will ALL never be forgotten!
My babies have made me stronger. I love my tiny babies Tanner (22 weeks) and Megan (19 weeks). We are an eternal family and I know I will see them again.
Your story and everyone’s comments that followed brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry for all your losses. It makes me grateful for my son, who just turned 20, Oct 2nd.
i AM THINKING OF YOU. THANK YOU FOR SHARING.
Prayers are said for you and your family. I will definitely be lighting a candle tonight in honor of your Andrew and the nieces that I never got to know- Jordan and Gretchen.
Im so sorry for you loss God bless you for your strength to post this for others who have lost on this day. I lost my granfather in 92 on this day but the Lord brought me my beautiful daughter who is 2 today. I know she has a part of him in her. Lots of love to you and your family this week I cant imagine it is easy and the fact you are helping so many others shows how strong and blessed you really are….Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Kristin and family-
I read Andrew’s story and was brought to tears. ((((HUGS))))
I will be lighting five candles tonight- One for our miscarried child- one for our stillborn daughter, Brittany- one for our Godchild, Mikey ( he spent every day of his 10 months in the hospital )- one for your son, Andrew- and the fifth for every child who waits in heaven to be reunited with their loved ones.
You will be in our prayers. I am so sorry for what you have had to go threw. Also thank you for the site and how much it helps everyone out
I will be lighting a candle for our child that we lost at 9 weeks. I just found our ultrasound pictures the other day, and I cried. That was 3 years ago, and still it is so sad.
I will light a candle for you tonight:( I am sorry to hear about your loss & my prayers are with you all.
So sorry for your loss.
I have not experienced the loss of a child but I dont know what I would do if I lost my son. My son and I will be lighting a candle for everyone who has experienced the loss of a child. My prayers are with you and your family.
Your family will be in my prayers today. Your story of Andrew was extremely
touching. Thank you for sharing.
After reading about all these tragedies, I am so very thankful that I have been blessed with two healthy girls. They are 14 and 18 now. As everyone knows, teeanagers can be difficult. Instead of becoming irritated I now realize I need to be thankful for them. Thank you to all you wonderful people who have opened my eyes!
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our Payton at 5 1/2 months. We planted 3 trees in our yard together to represent our DS who is now 4 and our DD who just turned 2, Payton would have been inbetween these two, I look at the trees and they remind everyday of how lucky we are. I will light a candle tonight for my Payton and for your Andrew. Sending hugs to you and your family
I’m so sorry. You are in my thoughts today. You put in words so beautifully exactly how I feel. The picture in the clouds touched my heart. Rainbows are our special gift too. I saw a double rainbow last year on my saddest day. It was just what I needed.
Tonight I will light a candle with love for your Andrew. And I will light a beautiful candle for my Misty, who we lost at 26 weeks. It is still difficult, but I know I will see her again someday.
I will be lighting my candle for my first baby I lost. I was 19 1/2 weeks pregnant, and didn’t know I was in labor until it was too late. Christian Alexander was born on April 24, 2005. That was the hardest day for me in my entire life, even harder than my near death experience I had as a child!! I was blessed to have a healthy baby girl a year later, and then a healthy baby boy 3 years after my daughter was born. May God be with, and bless all of the mommies that have lost a child before! May we find comfort in knowing they are in a much better place than we!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. This week has been hard for me as well. I am a dog lover to the max I treat them as if they are my children. on Thursday we lost our family dog snicker of 13 years. The household is silent : ( tonight I will be lighting my candle for brother Shawn who was passed before I was born. Unfortunately the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. So tonight theitre will be a candle lit for all,the babies including Andrew
I will light 2 candles tonight:
1 for the son we lost at 18 weeks gestation (his surviving twin brothers will be 8 on Christmas Day).
1 for the child we lost at 9 weeks gestation (his twin brother will be 6 in February).
You are right, time does not heal the wounds, it just makes them a tiny bit more bearable.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will be lighting a candle for the two babies I lost this August. My prayers are with you.
I will be lighting a candle for my two angels Curtis 4/08 and Miracle 5/08.
I will be lighting candles for my two precious little angels.
August Ellis 8/10/10
Katherine “Kate” Ellis 5/4/11
I’ll be lighting a candle tonight for my beautiful daughter Ireland , taken at 30 weeks ,December 8, 2008–another for your son and a third for all other babies lost. Forever in our hearts….
I will light a candle to remember the babies my mother lost, and the loss of my close friend’s angel several years ago.
God bless you and your family, Kristin.
We just lost our precious baby yesterday. He/she would have been our third child. We were 8 weeks along, but the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 1 day. I will be lighting a candle at 7pm for the baby.
We had a baby born early- at 24 weeks. We spent many a night praying for her. I am thankful for mothers everywhere whose hearts are with their children. That we can love so deeply is a gift to us to remind us that God loves us like that.
I too will be lighting candles tonite for my two angel babies, my dear friends little angel girl and for your little andrew. Time does not take away the grief, but does help to make more days bearable. My angel babies will forever be a part of my heart that is missing. I look forward to the day we all reunite with the lord, until then I thank God everyday for the 3 wonderful children God has blesssed me with.
I will be lighting a candle for my Olivia Anne 11/23/10. There are just no words. No one should have to know the pain of losing a child. . .
Today I will light a candle not only for your sweet angel baby, but my own as well. I lost a baby at around 11 weeks or so. Still today it takes my breath away when I think of the baby I will not know this side of heaven. I know that someday I will hold that sweet baby, but it still hurts that today is not that day. Praying you have peace today!
Hour courage in sharing your story is inspiring! Lifting you and your family up in prayer today. Thankful God provides signs of his faithfulness that help get you through. May he continue to richly bless your family, just as you bless so many others!
So sorry for your loss. :(
I light a candle for my babies of July 2001 and October 2003. I also light a candle for Zane, GiGI, Scarlett, Emerson, Cody, Jordan, and too many friends’ babies who were loved and lost.
Thinking of Andrew, you and the family today. Can’t believe its been 2 years :'( So proud of how strong you have been throughout the whole thing. So neat to see the little lamb again, he even makes me smile. We will be lighting a candle tonight at 7 and saying a prayer for your family and little angel Andrew. xoxoxoxo
Your resilience and faith inspire us all. Our thoughts and prayers are ever with you. Living through 2 miscarriages was hard enough; I cannot even imagine what you have been through. God speed to you and your family.
Tomorrow will be 22 months since we lost our son. He was 16 days old. Everyday is a struggle.
Hi, I follow your blog, but somehow I missed your story. I will light a candle tonight.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband & I lost one of our twins at 19 weeks. It does change you as a person & a mother. Tonight I’ll be lighting candles for your little Andrew & my little Eli. And through my tears, I will rejoice that we will see them in heaven one day. Prayers and hugs to you.
We have not lost a pregnancy – but we were in the process to adopt a 2 year old for nearly a year only to have it not work out and very abruptly. We adopted successfully very shortly after and even though we know that we were always intended to be the family we are and we could never have had both I was and continue to be devastated by the loss of a child we loved/prayed for/worried about. Im not saying it is the same – although I know people who have had the misfortune of both who say it is different but similar….. “Time makes wounds more bearable” is how I will put it now. People see us happy w our newest addition and they say “See! This is what was meant to be, time heals all wounds.” I don’t like walking with the wounds we have, but I can’t imagine them completely healing – I don’t want our love for her to completely stop – like it wouldnt be as real or something…….. anyway – I am in tears from your story – I cannot imagine your last two years and you’ve put some hard to understand feelings into words for me. Hugs and prayers to your beautiful family.
Thinking of you, and thank you for sharing your story. I believe it has helped lots of people know they are not alone. And your sweet Andrew is your own special angel! Lighting candles today for our dear friends, who lost their triplets after 6 months in utero (and who have since been blessed with a lovely and lively little boy).
Im sorry I wanted yo ad u and ur familyvwill be in my thougts today and im lighting my candle now:'(
You explain the pain does not ease or go away the same as i do it just the time we hurt over is not as offften it still hurts as bad its been 8 years 2 mths and 16 day since I lost my Maxi my 4th child she is a twin to my Sloane that survived being born 16 weeks early with no explanation she lived for 3 days and im blessed to have that time with her she was born 7/27/04 and left my arms with her last breath on 7/30/04 with her twin fighting for her life only feet away. I aways say God gave me 2 because he knew he needed one back, I feel Maxi made a sacrifices to be Sloanes angel to help her fight for her life I guess thats a copeing meqinisim for me idk, but I know Sloane fought 2 different hospitals gave up on her the third hospital had the hope we had. We were to she was bli d and would never see eat walk or talk on her own…. today at 8 she ateends a reg edu school shes in 3rd gr top of her class weres glasses has mild CP and suffers from seizure s and OCD and shes the sweetest childi know the best one of all 6…1 boy and 5 girls ….5 with legs 1 with wings;-)
Lost two babies at 9 and 10 weeks. They did not take a breath here on earth. The Lord needed them.
I too have been on your situation. I lost my first son at 7 1/2 months. Its been 24 years and as you say the pain never goes away and I’d only bareable. Hugs to your family today.
I will be lighting 3 candles tonight. One in honor of yur Andrew and two for my friends Scott and Laura for their sons, Connor and Holt. Praying for you and for all of those who have lost their children.
I light a candle for my older sister, Mary Louise. She would have been 28 this year, had she made it to the world.
I never knew her, but I love her just the same. <3
Hi – I have been following your site for quite some time now, but I somehow missed or never heard your story. I rarely comment, but your story moved me today. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this painful situation. But, it’s wonderful that God has shown you Andrew is still with you. I hope you continue to have such uplifting experiences in remembrance of your son. My prayers are with you and your family today, as well as the many other families who have similar stories. Thanks for all that you do.
I will light a candle for your son and my first granddaughter,Natalie. my son and DIL lost their first born to a heart defect.As with your son she will forever bee in our hearts.so sorry for your loss.
I only follow your blog and had no idea of your loss.. *HUGS* for you and your family on this special day. Thank you for all you do it truly helps my family.
I am very sorry for your loss. :( God bless you as you go through this difficult week. Sending up a prayer for you and your family. Take good care.
Thinking of you today and sending prayers your way. May you feel the love around you more than ever.
Take good care of yourself Kristin….you are an amazing person!