If I could cut one week of the calendar each year, I would choose the week of October 11th – October 18th. These 8 days are the worst 8 days of the year for me. During this span of time, I lost my aunt in ’91, my father in law in ’08, my uncle in ’11, and my baby in ’10.
Of all the precious people I have lost, losing my baby was the hardest thing I have ever lived through. Our sweet precious Andrew was only here with us for 18 short weeks, but he has forever changed who I am, what kind of mother I am and how I relate to those around me.
Today is the 3 year anniversary of the day we found out that Andrew had passed. It is such a dark day for us. We didn’t expect to see his still heart on the screen. We didn’t expect to come from our ultrasound appointment in tears. The days that followed were the hardest days I have ever lived through.
By sharing his story and the ups and downs that I have gone through, Andrew’s life has been able to make an impact on thousands of amazing people. I can’t even tell you how many people have emailed me to tell me how my story changed them forever. How many precious mothers lost a baby after I did but made it through because they knew I had already made it through the loss of my child. Most recently Andrew’s life story gave me a chance to get to know a wonderful and sweet woman who lost her son over the summer. Being able to love another person and be their support through their grief is a heart-touching gift that Andrew has given me.
They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t agree. Time makes my wounds more bearable. I don’t find myself crying as much as I used to. But it still hurts, it still can take my breath away, it can still bring me to my knees.
Andrew is my son. He might not have taken a breath on this earth, but he was a part of the love my husband and I share. I love him just as much as I love my 2 living children. And I grieve for him just as much and just as hard as I would have grieved if Emily hadn’t survived her near death experience that happened just a month before we lost Andrew.
Rainbows are my sign from Andrew that he is still with me. Every time I have been broken, God has sent me a rainbow. The first rainbow was sent to us on the first day of our trip to Disney World in January 2011 which we took to celebrate Andrew’s impact on our lives. I put a circle around the area of the clouds. Do you see what I see? When one of my amazing readers pointed out the baby in the clouds, I fell to my knees in Hollywood Studios. A definite sign from my Heavenly Father where my baby is and that he is okay.
The thing that I have found since experiencing this loss is how many mothers share the same story. How many wonderful families have loved and lost their precious babies. My heart goes out to everyone who knows this pain. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Today also happens to be National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. The hope is that everyone will light at candle at 7 pm in their time zones to create a wave of light around the globe to remember those precious babies that never walked on this earth but left their footprints on our hearts. Will you join me in lighting a candle? Please feel free to leave a comment letting us know who you are lighting your candle for.