If I could cut one week of the calendar each year, I would choose the week of October 11th – October 18th. These 8 days are the worst 8 days of the year for me. During this span of time, I lost my aunt in ’91, my father in law in ’08, my uncle in ’11, and my baby in ’10.
Of all the precious people I have lost, losing my baby was the hardest thing I have ever lived through. Our sweet precious Andrew was only here with us for 18 short weeks, but he has forever changed who I am, what kind of mother I am and how I relate to those around me.
Today is the 10 year anniversary of the day we found out that Andrew had passed. It is such a dark day for us. We didn’t expect to see his still heart on the screen. We didn’t expect to come from our ultrasound appointment in tears. The days that followed were the hardest days I have ever lived through.
By sharing his story and the ups and downs that I have gone through, Andrew’s life has been able to make an impact on thousands of amazing people. I can’t even tell you how many people have emailed me to tell me how my story changed them forever. How many precious mothers lost a baby after I did but made it through because they knew I had already made it through the loss of my child. Being able to love another person and be their support through their grief is a heart-touching gift that Andrew has given me.
They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t agree. Time makes my wounds more bearable. I don’t find myself crying as much as I used to. But it still hurts, it still can take my breath away, it can still bring me to my knees.
Andrew is my son. He might not have taken a breath on this earth, but he was a part of the love my husband and I share. I love him just as much as I love my 3 living children. And I grieve for him just as much and just as hard as I would have grieved if Emily hadn’t survived her near death experience that happened just a month before we lost Andrew.
Rainbows are my sign from Andrew that he is still with me. Every time I have been broken, God has sent me a rainbow. The first rainbow was sent to us on the first day of our trip to Disney World in January 2011 which we took to celebrate Andrew’s impact on our lives. I put a circle around the area of the clouds. Do you see what I see? When one of my amazing readers pointed out the baby in the clouds, I fell to my knees in Hollywood Studios. A definite sign from my Heavenly Father where my baby is and that he is okay.
The thing that I have found since experiencing this loss is how many mothers share the same story. How many wonderful families have loved and lost their precious babies. My heart goes out to everyone who knows this pain. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Today also happens to be National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. The hope is that everyone will light at candle at 7 pm in their time zones to create a wave of light around the globe to remember those precious babies that never walked on this earth but left their footprints on our hearts. Will you join me in lighting a candle? Please feel free to leave a comment letting us know who you are lighting your candle for.
I light a candle for my niece or nephew, who my brother and sister in law lost at about 11 weeks. We call the baby June, because that is when they would have been born.
I’m lighting two candles today!!!!
I just found out i was pregnant 3 weeks ago and this week has been very hard ive been in horrible pain off and on and the dr said I may be losing my baby. I was so scared to have her now I am just terrified to lose her. I already love her more than I can say.
I am lighting two candles today. ❤
((hugs))
I will light a candle for the two nieces I never got to know.
This may not come out right,and I know this may not be the best place to say this, but please bear with me…I am so glad that I found C2D and that you are not afraid to post about your loss, I have been following since 2010 and I remember the day you had to break the sad news. And all I can say is my heart broke even though I do not know you personally, I went through a loss with my twins in 2008 and it was so hard and still there are times I find myself breaking down and I remember people such as you who stayed strong and are still able to bring happiness to others and it helps me. I hated that I lost my son and was given hope for my daughter just to see her take a few breaths and having to say goodbye, and no one that I know has had to go through it and it seems that no one understands at all. I have been told things such as “Well, at least you didn’t go the entire pregnancy to have them pass away at full term” and lots of statements like this which makes it worse, I understand people are trying to say something to console you, but sometimes saying nothing at all can be better. Sorry, for this long post, I just wanted to let you know how you touched my life, not just with deals, coupons and Disney (even though I love Disney), but having no one to talk to about this and seeing that there are people out there who can share and not afraid to share their support of each other is a wonderful thing. I will be lighting a candle for my two angels tonight. Thank you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have 2 angel babies. The first I lost in Feb. of 1994 at approx. 12 weeks and then in Dec. of 2011 I lost the twin to my now 14 month old son at approx. 8 weeks. I often wonder what life would be like if they were here with me. I just have to trust that God had a different plan and that while I may not understand now, one day it will be revealed to me and I’ll be able to hold them in my arms. God Bless!
So sorry for you and all the other mothers and parents who suffered such a loss. G-d bless!
My child who I lost during week 9 this march! So blessed my son is turning one next week though!
I will light a candle for you and my nephew. He died 17 years ago of a genetic condition when he was 7 months old. I totally agree, you cry less, but never stop. He left us 4 days before Christmas, and will never be forgotten. Thank you for allowing us to share in your story. They are all playing in the clouds until we get there. God bless.
Your story brought me to tears because in 2004 I had no idea that I would in the hospital at 20 weeks giving birth to my little girl. I heard a faint cry right after delivery and that was the end. The doctors immediately put me to sleep right after but I knew she didnt make it. I was able to hold her after I woke up and say goodbye but I will never forget her. I too dont cry as much but it is still painful (I have my moments). Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for making me aware of what today is. I will light a candle in honor of my little girl Sydney.
I will light a candle for you, my lovely friend Laura who has lost three babies in the 18-21 week time frame, and for my beautiful brown-eyed girl Kelley who lost two children. I will also honor her for her 40th birthday which was last Thursday. She passed away Jan. 20th very unexpectantly. Today is also the birthday of a co-worker that we lost two and a half years ago on father’s day. He left behind three young children. So tonight as I light 4 candles for all of you, I will pray that I can be the ray of sunshine to someone that each one of you have been to me.
My thoughts and prayers go out to each and every one of you mourning your little angels. I, too, lost a little one many years ago. There are many days when I still wonder how different things might have been. Blessings.