Do you see the baby in the clouds above the rainbow? This picture was taken at Disney World on January 2nd, 2011. We took that trip to heal as a family and that was what we saw in the sky on our very first day!
Today is my angel baby’s due date. I’ve been dreading this day ever since I found out I had lost him on October 15th. But the day is here and he is not.
People tell me I am a very strong woman. That they can’t believe how well I am doing after suffering such a loss. I don’t think I am a strong woman. I feel like I am just surviving. I lost my father in law in 2008 and my grandfather in September of 2010 and although I missed them, that pain didn’t cripple me.
When I lost my child, that pain brought me to my knees. There were days I would find myself on the floor crying and wonder how I got there. I never thought I would be like that, but I was.
It was so very hard to lose my 3rd child. I thought I was immune to miscarriage since I had 2 healthy kids already. So I didn’t do everything I should of during this pregnancy and because of that, I can’t help but blame myself. People tell me all the time, “you didn’t do it!” but the doctors didn’t have any answers, so I find myself laying the blame on my body and the thoughts I had. It was a surprise pregnancy. We didn’t want to have another child. And when we almost lost Emily to appendicitis in September, I remember thinking to myself “I’d rather lose this baby then lose my daughter” and then I did.
I am a Christian and I believe that God has a plan that I am just not meant to understand. I don’t blame Him for taking my child and I believe that one day I will get to see my child again. But honestly, that doesn’t really give me a tremendous amount of comfort. I am still mad that I didn’t get to raise my child.
Someone told me that God understands the pain because He lost a child too. And that is true and it put it into perspective for me. Another quote that gave me a lot of strength was “I always thought I’d be the one waiting at the gates of Heaven to introduce my children to Christ, but instead God chose my son to be the one to introduce me to His Son.”
Throughout the past 5 months, I have got absolutely incredible letters and cards from my amazing readers. You have all been such a source of strength for me. When I felt like I couldn’t get up and face the day, I would remember the 1,000s of wonderful people that depend on me to bring them the deals. The blog also became an outlet for the pain. I actually get excited when I realize that I don’t have any plans for the day and I can blog from dawn to dusk. I love love love love love my blog and my incredible readers. You guys have touched me so incredibly deeply. Even those of you that never comment, never email, you are still here and I know it and that matters.
I am taking the day off completely to be with my family. My wonderful friends are going to help me post some hot deals and put my posts on Facebook. I am going to spend the day enjoying the day as best I can with my family. Thank you all for reading this post and know how much you all mean to me.
And I also wanted to let you know that baby Mason, the son of the amazing family that paid for our reservations at Disney, is finally home after being in the hospital for 2 months. I am so happy that I have this joy today. God bless you all.
marsha says
Hi, I was actually google’n for a poem for my angel baby that was due on april 12, 3 years ago. I delivered him on oct 16. Our story is amazing, because for some reason I stayed and chose to read your story before I x’d it out to look for a poem to post on facebook. Low and behold as I read your story with tears in my eyes I felt like I was reading my own. Our storys are a like. :) GOD bless you and your loss. It is still a struggle almost 4 years later. I am blessed with 2 beautiful children but although mine was a accident and we did not want another I wished I could rock him to sleep tonight!
Heather S says
Hello Kristin! I’m a relatively new reader of your blog and I don’t believe I’ve commented here before, but I read the story of your sweet angel baby and was truly touched. I was thinking of you yesterday, hoping you were having a comforting day with your family and wishing I could help ease your pain somehow. I’ve never lost a child myself, but I thought I would add my voice to the 95 (wow such love & kindness is so wonderful!) other people who commented here and maybe share some things that have comforted me in tough times.
I can tell by your blog that you are a sweet and giving person and I want to thank you for inspiring me to be that way as well! Also, don’t doubt that you are a strong person. One of my favorite quotes is “Courage doesn’t always roar. Courage is sometimes that small voice at the end of the day that says, I will try again tomorrow”. You obviously have been doing that by caring for your family, your readers, etc. So if you’re having a rough day it’s ok, it doesn’t mean you aren’t strong.
Unfortunately, we may never know the reason for God’s plans for us while we are on Earth. But I do know that if we’ve suffered something we can often better understand and comfort others going through the same thing. I noticed that after I went through severe anxiety disorder (luckily I am happy and healthy now). Now I’m able to help others feel better too. So Andrew’s life already has meaning in that by sharing his story other people know they are not alone going through this. (I hope I”m explaining this well! What I mean is, not only is he happy with God and you will be reunited someday, his life on Earth had meaning too.)
And one last thought! (this is a long comment, sorry! =) The feelings of guilt, anger etc are perfectly normal so don’t worry. Just try not to be too hard on yourself. One thing I learned going through anxiety is you should treat yourself as you would any good friend. If I’m beating myself up about something, I ask myself if I would ever say those things to a friend going through the same thing. Usually I never would. It helped me a lot.
Anyway, I wish you and your family peace and am sending thoughts and prayers your way!
Kimi Romrell says
I just wanted to tell you that you have helped me alot because last year I had two miscarriages, and the beginning of this year I miscarried my twin baby girls. And seeing that I am not the only one having a had time after several miscarriages helps to give me strength and knowing that there are people out there who know what I am feeling even though part of the time I dont want to believe it. Your amazing and I love following your blog.
Tish says
Kristin – I thought of you yesterday and many days leading up to your due date. I’m so sorry that you are your family had to endure such a difficult loss and you are all in my families thoughts and prayers. I’m so glad you were able to have a special trip to Disney to help you heal and you can use those memories to brighten your hardest days and that each day gets a little bit easier.
Rosemary says
My prayers go out to you. I’ve never lost a child but have come very close. Sixteen years ago my daughter was born with several problems. She had her second surgery at just 3 days old. She suffered two cardiac arrests after her second surgery which has left her with severe disabilities. She has had several surgeries since then and many fights for her life. She has a strong will to live and when we go to Disney she is always treated like a princess. Your blog helps us to put a little Disney in our day. Thanks so much for all you do. Hope you have a wonderful day with your family. God Bless.
Amanda says
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my oldest daughter to SIDS 8 years ago this summer. It always hurts but it will get better. I believe everything happens for a reason even if it is not one I will know here on earth. I pray you find your peace in your son’s death as well.
Lea says
Kristin-You have been on my mind all day. I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that God will ease the pain in your hearts a little more everyday. Cyber hugs your way.
Denise-Scrapmouse says
Praying for you and your family to heal your broken hearts. I’m glad you remembered the rainbow. Take care.
Dy Young says
Praying for your broken mommy’s heart!
julie says
Your in my thoughts and prayers! Your have been such an inspiration!
Christina says
Thinking of you, your family and your sweet angel boy today ((((()))))
I’ve always found the weeks/days leading up to those special days are the hardest, I hope the same for you and that you & your family were able to find some peace today. I love that picture. I also have one of an angel in the clouds, I need to send it to you. Sending you lots of love and prayers.
Stacey W says
I haven’t posted many comments on your blog before but I am a dedicated reader and look forward to checking in on it throughout the day. I thought of you first thing this morning and have been keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers today. You are such an amazing woman and you touch people in ways that you will never know. I hope you were able to have a special day with your family with your sweet little angel shining down on you. God Bless!
Amy says
Kristin-
You are such an inspiration. I have never suffered the type of loss you have, and can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be. You are not only a financial inspiration, but also an inspiration in the way you talk about your struggles coping with your loss. You don’t hide your sorrow, you share it so others can understand and know it is okay to feel this way and they don’t need to hide.
Thinking of you today,
Amy
Gina says
Keeping you and your family in my prayers today.
Tracy R. says
I pray that God gives you peace that only He can give today and everyday until you are reunited with your son again! You and your family are in my prayers :)
Chris says
I want to echo what Theresa posted. I admire your honesty and your strength in sharing something that a lot of women would not. My prayers are with you and your family today.
Yvette says
Being a regular follower I have this day marked on my calendar. Please know that many you have never met or will ever met LOVE you dearly and are praying for you. I hope you and your family had a wonderful day today. (as best you could) When my brother passed away 2 years ago, I planted a rose bush on what would have been his 50th birthday. (he passed away at 48) I can see it from my kitchen window and when I least expect it there are big beautiful yellow roses for me to enjoy. Yellow roses were his favorite. I encourage you to plant a tree or flower bush to watch it grow, as you would have watched your baby. It will bring you some comfort in a different way.
Love from Texas my cyber friend,
-y
Rae says
Thinking of you and your family today! Praying for strong days for you!
Laney says
Just stopping by to let you know that I am thinking of you, your family and Andrew today. You are all in my prayers.
Kadye says
We love you.
loren says
What a difficult time you are enduring! May the peace of God which truly DOES pass all understanding, guard your heart and mind and cover you during this painful time!
NATASHA says
I too am nearing the due date of my angel who is now in heaven, we lost him/her at 13wks5days gestation, we are fortunate to have such strong family support. Thank you for your story & honesty in this situation, I kept up with your posts & Some days it got me through, knowing I wasent alone in my feelings. I am keeping you in my prayers.
(( HUGS ))
Kathie S. says
God bless you and your family and may He help you through this day.
story says
You are your family are in my heart today and always.
Charity says
Praying for the strength of Jesus Christ to overflow and fill you up with His never ending love and strength.
Clare C. says
Kristin,
This day must be so hard for you. I am glad you are able to be with your sweet family today. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. Please be patient and forgiving with yourself.
Adrienne says
Sending you and your family a big hug.
Debby says
Hi Kristen, I don’t think I have ever posted on your web before today but felt like I needed to. I feel like you are truly a special, strong, amazing woman. I admit that I came to your website looking for ways to save money. But, I still come back every day b/c I feel like you are a friend, you share w/ your heart and are very transparent w/ your struggles and that makes me feel connected in some way to you. I have no doubt if I met you, we would be great friends! I appreciate all you have done and will continue to do w/ your website. I am praying for you that you will find comfort and peace in today. Hugs!!!
Melinda says
God bless you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers today.
Dawn says
The picture is beautiful!! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Just know we are all praying for you and thinking about you and your family today. You shouldn’t blame yourself, but it is so easy to do. I do it all the time. I have an 8yr old son who has a rare brain malformation and a seizure disorder. He is unable to walk, talk, or even sit up on his on. Even though there was nothing I did wrong during the pregnancy, no doctors know what caused this and it does make you blame yourself. You think what could I have done dfifferently? They have their suspicions because he was a twin and that twin died sometime between 8 and 12 weeks gestation and they are saying that when a twin “vanishes” it can cause something to happen and they are thinking a clot broke off the other baby and went to the part of his brain that is malformed and caused that part to stop growing. They think that because he does have a very small part of his corpus callosum (which is the part that is malformed). He is very precious to us and I would love to share his story with anyone who is interested and I would love to share stories of our trips to Disney, but it would take me pages to write. Just know that you did nothing wrong, stop blaming yourself (which is hard to do , I still do it), and know that God is taking care of us all during the hard times in our lives. Have a good day! Dawn
Becca says
Kristin,
I hope you and the family are able to just relax and enjoy the day. You will never realize how strong you are and how much I look up to you. I wish I could give you a big hug and clear your mind for the day.
laura says
PLEASE listen to what people tell you. you ARE strong.
if you were just surviving, you would never get out of bed. you would never cook meals for your children, you would never be able to do this blog, etc. we know that you are strong. look in the mirror and say it out loud, you deserve to know that you are strong too!
thats a beautiful picture, thanks for sharing.
Jiya says
Hugs.
I have no better words than what others have posted, but I wanted to let you know there are people out there thinking of you and sending good thoughts & prayers for you & your whole family.
Jo says
May God give you the strength to bear this cross. As hard as today is, I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that your child will never leave your thoughts, but your pain will lessen. On March 6, 2011 I celebrated the 5th anniversary of my dear angel Elizabeth’s birth/death. She died at 20 weeks gestation on March 6, 2006. That day I felt like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it, but in the pain I could feel her and felt comfort in knowing she was safe in the arms of Jesus. God Bless you and your family.
Monica says
In my thoughts and prayers today. Congratulations to baby Mason’s family, your little angel is watching over baby Mason!
Virginia says
Thank you for talking about it, thank you for sharing when no one else wants to. Thank you for not pretending it’s easy. Thank you for not “moving on” without pain! My loss story is very similar – and your sharing has helped ease the pain. Thank you!
Barb says
Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers today. Also, I’m so happy to hear that baby Mason is finally home with his family.
Janice says
My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family today. Continue to lean on the Lord and allow Him to carry you through these next few days.
Karen Becker says
Hi Kristin, I feel so bad for you and your family. When I was pregnant with my first baby (son), I lost my mother to cancer while I was in my 5th month. I was devastated, but knew that I couldn’t lose my baby too, so I tried to calm myself down. I also had a miscarriage after having two healthy kids. I blamed that from the Paxil I was taking, unfortunately I didn’t know you had to wait a while to clear it from your body. Thankfully, I had my Emily just 9 months later and she just turned 8. God does work in mysterious ways. God is holding hands your Andrew today looking down at you smiling. Also, I do follow Mason’s blog and am so glad he got home finally.
Toni says
HUGS HUGS and more HUGS to you and your family today Kristen. I hope you can find peace today.
Sara Kent says
God Bless you and your precious family. I have been thinking about you all morning and will continue to think about you and your family all day today. Your ability to get up everyday, blog and continue to live your life for your family is a total inspiration. I couldn’t imagine enduring the loss of a child and you’ve done it with grace.
Lori says
praying for you and your amazing family today!!!
Michelle L says
My thoughts and prayers are with you today.
Thank you so much for all that you do for each one of us.
Lizzie says
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts & prayers!
Beth Steltz says
God Bless your family and your son up in heaven wrapped in God’s Love. Trust in the lord and stay strong.
Stephanie says
I’m so terribly sorry for you loss. I’ve also been reading your blog for a while and have been following your journey. Although it pales in comparison our first born son has Autism and was diagnosed over 3 years ago and he’s doing fabulously well now but not a day doesn’t go by that I don’t try to blame myself since there is no known cause. But everytime I start going down that road I tell myself this was Gods plan and he will only give me what I can handle and he knew that this special little boy needed a special family to be with and he chose us. So don’t blame yourself.
I know it doesn’t ease the pain but know that you have touched so many people who all wish they could heal your pain.
Debbie Lamb says
Thank you for all you do, you are a really a blessed woman and have a blessed family. God feels and knows all. Keep your trust in him.
Tracy says
Kristin, I’ve been thinking about you all week. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hilary says
going thru something as tragic as this loss and being able to just survive is being strong – our God is with you and taking care of you even when you think you can’t. Thank you so much for all you do. I am praying for you today.
laura says
God Bless you and your family today and everyday. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs are being sent your way.
Jen says
I too have felt the pain you feel. Mine is every February 5th. I reflect on what might have been, but I know that when I lost the twins, God had a plan and that is what got me through. I’ll be thinking of you and your family!
Ellen says
Glad you are taking today to be with your beautiful family…I will be thinking of you and praying you’re able to find a bit more peace with each passing day.
Maney says
You and your family will be in my prayers today and always.
Leanne says
My thoughts are with you today and have been since you first told us about your loss. I truly can feel your pain after having lost my daughter as a full term stillborn. It was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with, but with lots of support and prayers and a wonderful, caring family I did get through it. But there is not one day that goes by that she isn’t in my heart and I wait patiently for the day that we will be reunited. My faith lets me know she is in good hands and is looking down on my family as our little angel. Know that you have your own angel looking down and he will help be your strength to get through the day and that he will forever be in your heart. God bless you and your family and loads of love are being sent your way!!
Jennifer in Ga says
Kristin,
You are in my thoughts and prayers even more today! I know the pain you are going through…I have been through 4 miscarriages myself. Just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and rely on God and your amazing family!
I haven’t followed this blog very but a couple of months, but you have been such an inspiration to me. I hope you realize what a difference you make in the lives of everyone who reads your blog.
Big hug and lots of love being sent your way!
Rebecca Z. says
And God Bless you.
Ryann says
Hugs and prayers for your family today.
Julie Isbell says
as i sit here reading your story, i am looking at my little miss. she is my youngest, and my toughest to raise. kristin, you are a wonderful mother! god places a child in a mothers womb under the most miraculous of circumstances. the whole process of carrying a baby and giving birth is truley a miracle in itself. for whatever his reasons are, god chose your little andrew to be at his side. it is because of the strong woman you are and the strength in your faith that god knew you could handle anything he placed in your life. kristin – that picture was a sign from andrew and god. they are both with you. always. and baby andrew was with you all at disney world in january enjoying every minute of it with you all! he is in your heart forever – he never left you. he is just a constant part of you in your heart of hearts. sending love your way. and keeping you forever in my prayers. you bring so much joy to so many! thank you, dear kristin, for all you do for us!
Jan says
God Bless You- when you feel up to it- read Choosing To SEE by Mary Beth Chapman.
Becky says
Kristin, I am thinking of you today. I know this will be a hard day for you. xoxoxos coming your way from Connecticut.
Amanda says
I have suffered through miscarriage also and your words brought me to tears and touched my heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tanya in Carolina says
Thinking of you and your family today. Please know that we are praying for all of you. I ask the Lord to give you comfort on this day as I shed a tear for Baby Andrew.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN!!!!
~Hugs~
Tanya
naomi says
I am praying for you and your family. I never had a miscarriage, but many of my friends have. I don’t know what it feels like and I don’t know your pain. I do know that I can pray for you and Jesus does know your pain. I’m glad that you are a Christian, I am too, that we can go to the Lord Jesus and cry out to him. I’m glad that the Lord has blessed you with the 2 kids you have.
Phil 4:13…………….”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Josh 1:9………… “Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Kristen says
You and your family is in my thoughts and prayers. You have shown great strength in the face of your loss. I admire you and wish you much love! God is holding your angel baby in his arms.
MJ says
I am so deeply moved by your story and I am so sorry that you had to go through this terrible experience. I went through terrible experience just trying to get pregnant, it took us over 8 years, but I was never in your shoes, so I can not imagine how you feel…. I know that now it doesn’t feel like it, but please belive that you can get through this. My prayers are with you.
Mary says
Prayers are with you and your very sweet family today. I have a story similar to this that I am going to email you tomorrow.
Renee says
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
lisa m says
sending more prayers your way!
Sarah Curtis says
Prayers with you today. Enjoy your family and thanks for the update on little Mason!
Sarah says
Kristin, I am so sorry for your pain today. My son Matthew was stillborn 4 1/2 years ago and I still miss him dearly. We recently were blessed to be able to deliver a healthy baby boy and are actually going to WDW for the first time next week to celebrate it. (We can afford it only because of your blog. Thank you SO much!) I understand how easy it is to blame yourself for such a loss, but please keep trying to fight that. I still have to fight those feelings off sometimes. I wish I could tell you the pain goes away, but obviously losing a child isn’t the kind of thing you just “get over”. I will tell you the pain dulls with time, but more importantly it gets less intrusive in your daily life. I think it’s great how much your family values and honors your Andrew’s short life. I know that I still feel I am the mother of 3, two angels here and one in Heaven. I’ll be praying for you today, and in the days to come.
Beth says
In my thoughts and prayers today.
Melissa says
Kristin,
Praying for you today!! Maybe while reading through your thoughts, someone will come to realize they need a real, relationship with Jesus. :-) You can make it through this day!! “Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding…” Proverbs 3:5
Love you!
Tara says
My thoughts and prayers are with you today. I have never lost a child so I can say I know how you feel. I do know that my children are my life and I don’t know how I would function with out them. Please know that we, your FB fans are here and we are praying for you and your family.
Angie says
Peace to you and your family… God is with you today and everyday.
Diana in TX says
You’ll be in my thoughts & prayers today. Stay strong.
Lisa B says
Thinking of you and your family today.
Heather says
I also do not leave alot of comments, but have been following your for quite some time. My heart goes out to you and your family. You all are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Carra says
I had a miscarriage with my first baby and a friend told me to this to get me through it:
When God allowed me to get pregnant, something happened with my baby so that it wasn’t perfect. Instead of God allowing that imperfect baby to continue to grow inside me and be born, possibly dying right after birth, He brought him up to heaven to be with HIM. He then allowed me to get pregnant again with my wonderful son who is now 14 years old. I couldn’t help but be sad for the baby I lost, but couldn’t be too sad for the baby who is spending his life with God.
This did help me get through it a little easier and how could I blame myself for something that God chose to do for my unborn child.
My prayers have been and will continue to be with you. I wlll say an extra special one for you today!
Nicole says
May God Bless You and your family. Everyday is a struggle I am sure but woth your faith in God you will manage with each year comes a little more comfort unti the day your family is reunited.
Your tragedy reminds me of a book/interview I caught the other day: Heaven is rral – you may wish to look it up!!!
MUCH LOVE!!!!
Madonna says
You and your family will be in my thoughts today and in the future. God makes decisions we have no control of, but I am sure he does it with the best intentions. May you and your family find peace when the time is right for you.
Jenna says
Thinking and praying for you and your family today
RosaliaF says
Prayers go out to you and your family Kristen. What an amazing picture, thank you for sharing. Love and best wishes.
Sandra says
Prayers going up for you and your family today.
Theresa says
As someone who has lost babies I commend you for sharing your story and your heart, as a lot of women won’t discuss it. Stay strong my dear and know that you are not alone and that our precious little ones are lighting the sky every night and playing with God every day.
Much love and pixie dust! xoxo
Meagan says
I don’t words to say. I have not walked in your shoes. However, I want to pray for you.
Heavenly Father,
Please comfort Kristin. This has been such a hard loss for her. You know your plans but right now she doesn’t see it. Please give her peace.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
Jeanette Flores says
I too, have been through loss and don’t understand why. My heart is heavy for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and always. May your heart begin to mend as you have come to accept and know that you will see your child one day in heaven. God bless you!
Tanya says
What a peaceful feeling that must have brought you to see that in the clouds! What a wonderful reminder that God and your baby are with you everywhere! Praying for peace for you and your family!!!!
Tammy Wright says
I don’t leave alot of comments on your page but have followed your journey with losing your child. It tugs at my heart what you have gone through and I may not know you but feel you are a very strong women. You have found strength to accept that one day you will meet your son again and that life must not stop but continue. You took the first step not knowing it by finding an outlet which is your blog. You took the next step by having faith that the Lord has a plan for each and every one of us big or small. You took the next step by getting your family through this turbulant times. Every step you take is a step forward no matter how many tears fall and how much your heart longs to hold your baby. Just know that it was not goodbye that day it was simply see you later. I love your blog and you have helped my family so much in the last year that I have followed you. We are getting ready to go to Disney in July and all your posts help me plan for are first time being there. All the tips and pointers that you give are a blessing. Thank you and God Bless.
Angela says
Praying for you daily and wrapping my arms around your family today. God Bless you all!
Tonya says
Hugs and prayers for you today!!
Angela says
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Lori B says
God Wrap your arms around them today and give them comfort and peace. HUGS
Angie says
Thinking of you today with peaceful prayers sent your way.
Alicia says
This brought me to tears, You ARE a strong woman!. Hang in there,Enjoy your day with the Family. God bless you! ~~<3 ~~<3
Maranda says
It’s wonderful you have such great friends helping you out so you can spend this important day with your loved ones. I know this must be such a difficult time for you and your family, but I admire your courage and strength. I can’t begin to imagine. I will keep you guys in my prayers. Thanks for all you do!
Melissa says
Your family are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Laura says
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today!
Andrea says
I hope you find peace today. God Bless you and your family.