Do you see the baby in the clouds above the rainbow? This picture was taken at Disney World on January 2nd, 2011. We took that trip to heal as a family and that was what we saw in the sky on our very first day!
Today is my angel baby’s due date. I’ve been dreading this day ever since I found out I had lost him on October 15th. But the day is here and he is not.
People tell me I am a very strong woman. That they can’t believe how well I am doing after suffering such a loss. I don’t think I am a strong woman. I feel like I am just surviving. I lost my father in law in 2008 and my grandfather in September of 2010 and although I missed them, that pain didn’t cripple me.
When I lost my child, that pain brought me to my knees. There were days I would find myself on the floor crying and wonder how I got there. I never thought I would be like that, but I was.
It was so very hard to lose my 3rd child. I thought I was immune to miscarriage since I had 2 healthy kids already. So I didn’t do everything I should of during this pregnancy and because of that, I can’t help but blame myself. People tell me all the time, “you didn’t do it!” but the doctors didn’t have any answers, so I find myself laying the blame on my body and the thoughts I had. It was a surprise pregnancy. We didn’t want to have another child. And when we almost lost Emily to appendicitis in September, I remember thinking to myself “I’d rather lose this baby then lose my daughter” and then I did.
I am a Christian and I believe that God has a plan that I am just not meant to understand. I don’t blame Him for taking my child and I believe that one day I will get to see my child again. But honestly, that doesn’t really give me a tremendous amount of comfort. I am still mad that I didn’t get to raise my child.
Someone told me that God understands the pain because He lost a child too. And that is true and it put it into perspective for me. Another quote that gave me a lot of strength was “I always thought I’d be the one waiting at the gates of Heaven to introduce my children to Christ, but instead God chose my son to be the one to introduce me to His Son.”
Throughout the past 5 months, I have got absolutely incredible letters and cards from my amazing readers. You have all been such a source of strength for me. When I felt like I couldn’t get up and face the day, I would remember the 1,000s of wonderful people that depend on me to bring them the deals. The blog also became an outlet for the pain. I actually get excited when I realize that I don’t have any plans for the day and I can blog from dawn to dusk. I love love love love love my blog and my incredible readers. You guys have touched me so incredibly deeply. Even those of you that never comment, never email, you are still here and I know it and that matters.
I am taking the day off completely to be with my family. My wonderful friends are going to help me post some hot deals and put my posts on Facebook. I am going to spend the day enjoying the day as best I can with my family. Thank you all for reading this post and know how much you all mean to me.
And I also wanted to let you know that baby Mason, the son of the amazing family that paid for our reservations at Disney, is finally home after being in the hospital for 2 months. I am so happy that I have this joy today. God bless you all.